I did it this week. I thought I was fine. But I wasn’t. And the worst part is that I was in denial about it. The bar exam got to me. But it didn’t just get to me: it got to me. I broke down. I admit it.
I’ve been trying to sugarcoat everyone else’s rants about studying and what have you. I’ve even talked my roommate through her breakdown week, assuring her that she’s really doing well and that she’ll be fine. I think this was my defense to the fact that I was succumbing to the pain that is this process. I tried to make everyone else’s pain better so as not to deal with my own.
In reality, it was a compilation of things (having a window fall on my hand, stressing about money/job/etc., my dog being sick). But the bar exam was the rock-solid foundation that anchored all the weight. And after 2 less-than productive study days, I was convinced that I was going to fail (here at the half-way study point of the summer).
[Here’s my shout-out to my roommate for helping me through this by letting me vent on the worst night (and then hearing me out again the next morning and assuring me that chocolate really is good for the health). And to Residual who, at the outset when I thought a simple distraction of talking to someone else not currently studying would help, kept up confidences and also let me vent. Thank you, both. As the card says: “Thanks for helping me lose Sky Gray and find Sunny Yellow.”]
We all have funks. I talked another girlfriend through hers a few weeks ago (regarding her job, her mother, money, boyfriend … I really should have just referred her to April 20th’s blog “In 3 Years, None of This Will Matter”). Funks last a few days at best. Mine hit hard this time and didn’t shake for awhile (maybe because of the denial?). But… when it blew over, I felt like a million bucks! I knew the morning it passed and I saw the sun again.
But, the bottom line is that we are all human! Funks happen. And none of us is immune. And denial quite possibly makes it worse. I spent most of the last few days apologizing to my roommate and Residual for my being “out of sorts” and withdrawn and cynical. They both told me to quit apologizing — funks happen. And they reminded me that is why they are my friends… to help me through times like these.
Funks happen. But we are fortunate to have friends to help us through when the going gets rotten. And these friends won’t let us apologize. Because in the end, we are all human.